FOUND AND LOST SUPPORT is an on-line support group for those who have been separated from a biological family member by adoption, searched for that family member and found a grave.
Searching is a stressful, emotionally charged, difficult, time consuming, laborious, sometimes financially draining, always emotionally draining, process that each of us takes on for our own reasons. Once the decision is made to search, the search creates its own momentum, and for many it becomes obsessive. Whether you are a mother searching for your lost child, an adopted person searching for your mother or a sibling looking for your lost brother or sister, the goal is the same; to find the person for whom you've been searching. When the process of searching has been completed euphoria sets in but the work is far from over. Reunion is not an ending; it's the beginning of a new chapter.
Finding a grave at the end of a search is devastating, to say the least. The bereaved searcher has their moment of elation followed by shock and despair. They are left with empty arms, a broken heart and a gnawing ache in the pit of their stomach. They feel lost, more lost than they were while searching. They feel out of place within the adoption community because their search is over and reunion is impossible; they find themselves in limbo and unsupported by people who don't understand the intense sense of loss and longing they feel for people they've never met.
The bereaved searcher is surprised by the overwhelming grief that engulfs them, for they are crying for someone they never knew. They don't understand why they suddenly miss this person more than they ever missed them before because these people have always been absent from their lives. Now, they are consumed with longing for the person who they were forced to live without. They feel hopeless for they realize that death is the ultimate unchangeable reality. It is said, where there is life there is hope...but we have no hope of meeting the person for whom we have searched, so where does that leave us?
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My name is Denise Marconi Leitch; I am a mother and a bereaved searcher. I lost my only child, a boy, to adoption in 1969. During my pregnancy I repeatedly gave my son the same subliminal message; to find me when he was ready. I believed he understood, therefore, I always believed my son and I would be reunited one day. I waited for 33 years but no phone call or letter arrived saying he wanted to meet me. I suddenly thought, too much time had passed but still, I was unsure if I should search. I began to seek counsel from friends but most did not understand, they thought I should leave well enough alone. The catalyst I needed came from a discussion with a dear friend, he told me, in the end all that matters is if we can look back and say..."I did the best I could." I suddenly realized that finding my son was too important to let it slip through my fingers. I feared, if I didn't reach out, I wouldn't be able to say I did my best. I feared becoming old, or facing death, without ever knowing what became of my baby boy. So, I went in search of him. My search ended on May 30, 2003, the 15th anniversary of my son, Michael's, funeral. He was killed on May 26, 1988; he was only 18 years old when he died.
Everything changed for me on that beautiful spring morning; all the hopes and dreams that once kept me sane regressed into indescribable heartache. Even though I was surrounded with loving, supportive family, friends and other first mothers, I felt lost, hopeless and alone. I yearned for contact with others who had walked in my shoes. I knew I couldn't be the only one, so I began another search. This time for a support group that catered to my unique situation, but again, I came up empty handed. Besides my own needs I began to think about all the other mothers and children out there who have gone before me, and all those who will come after me, without the support of others who truly understand their loss. It was a thought I could not abide.
I created Found and Lost Support
in loving memory of my son,
Michael Joseph Woll.
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May we all find some comfort here...
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Seashells remind us that every passing life
leaves something beautiful behind.
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A special thanks to my dearest friend, Cindy Pomante,
without whose help this site may not exist
and
to my wonderful husband Bob Leitch
for his patience and invaluable art direction.
I also want to thank Jane Robinson and Sally Burke
who selflessly volunteered their time
to help proofread the pages I composed for this site.
Last but not least, I want to thank all the women of
First Mothers Reunited
who supported me through my darkest hour, I will never forget you.
With all my love,
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Web Design: Denise M. Leitch
©2007 Found and Lost Support
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Home page featured seashell: Atlantic Lion's Paw Scallop, Nodipecten nodosus (Linné, 1758)
Shell featured on page: Giant Eastern Murex, Hexaplex fulvescens (G. B. Sowerby II, 1834)
The seashells previewed on this website are part of a series
of archival style drawings, done with Berol Prismacolor Pencils and ink
by Denise M. Leitch; ©SHELLSHOCKED.
Copies available, contact shellshockedlady@verizon.net
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