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I Am Not Dead
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am diamond glints of snow;
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush;
I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds encircled flight.
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Author Unknown
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Lost
In youth
I saw no end to my life
I’d keep my children
when I was a wife
But life turns out
not always as planned
I’ve had no other children
no small boy at hand
More than half my life
has gone by in a day
If I wait any longer
you’ll never hear what I need to say
It’s easy to look back,
to see what could have been
I know now relinquishment,
not pregnancy, was my only real sin
In searching
I fear what could be in store
Will you love or reject me?
I can’t wait anymore
I’m doing this for me
I hope for you too
I can’t stop now
this is what I must do
Please know that I love you
you were always wanted my son
I have lived to regret
this thing that’s been done
I was told that my pain
would not linger or stay
But it grows and it festers
each day you’re away
Empty arms long to hold you
to be part of your life
Have you made me a grandmother?
Have you found a loving wife?
I lost my baby
now I look for a man
I dream to see you someday
to have my grown son at hand
I must seek, I must find
no matter the cost
even though
I will never get back what I lost
Please forgive me
© Lost by Denise Marconi Leitch
written in May 2003
while still searching for my son
lost to adoption Dec. 1969
| Found
May thirtieth two thousand and three,
what a wonderful day I believed it would be,
over cyber space the news would arrive,
by 10:45 I knew he was no longer alive
In shock I sat...not a sound could I glean,
as I read the words that appeared on the screen
heart pounding...mind racing...I read it again,
time stopped as I struggled to comprehend
I was repelled by the news, this I could not abide;
I ran gasping for air as I screamed, as I cried...
My baby has died, my baby has died!
All the dreams and hopes that once kept me sane
have regressed into madness into unspeakable pain
for my son is lost...with no hope I will ever see
he is lost to death...to what never can be
He was taken at birth
yes, that's when he was taken away...
not once in my arms
did I feel him lay
I was never to mourn all those years ago
now double is my grief and I want you to know
I'm still a mother, just like others you see
although mothering my son was not meant to be
I was made to deny his existence to all,
now I sing his praise, while I hold myself tall
'You need time to heal,' I hear people say
but I'll carry this pain till my last dying day
I harken back to when we once walked this coast,
he was growing inside me, just hidden to most
Now, on the same shore I stand with the sand at my feet
in the wind broken promises of when we would meet
The oceans expanse shows me that I am small,
in the great scheme of life this means nothing at all
No change can I make to the results of this day,
nor to the fact he was given away
My wisdom has come too late for rewriting
now feelings of hopelessness I find myself fighting
I searched and I found, I found and I lost,
all this has come at such a high cost
To lose a child is unspeakable pain,
to lose the same twice is hard to explain
My memory will hold him each day I draw breath
I denied him in life; I will not do so in death
I could fill the Atlantic with tears that I've cried
now that I know...
my baby has died,
my baby has died
© Found by Denise Marconi Leitch
December 2003
written after I found my son, Michael,
lost to adoption, December 23, 1969
lost to death, May 26, 1988
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| ALL MY LIFE
All my life, I dreamed a dream
That was reachable or so it seemed
I wanted so badly to meet my mother
Because of her choice I was raised by another
In my mothers arms, I wanted to be
I knew she would set me free
For I knew that in her loving arms
She would always keep me safe from harm
But on that day back in June
My heartstrings played a different tune
I knew then it could never be
I wished then that everyone could see
The pain in my heart that was so strong
That dream I dreamed for so long
Was gone now without a trace
I knew I would never see her face
I felt then that I would never be the same
Please at least could you tell me her name?
A name that was like a beautiful song
That name I had longed to hear for so long
A face I saw in the mirror everyday
I would never look at myself the same way
I see her chin, her cheeks, her hair
To finally see yourself, nothing can compare
I wanted to feel her loving embrace
Just once I wanted her to touch my face
As I'm sure she did many years ago
When she had to let her baby girl go
The pain she must have felt through the years
I wish I had been there to dry her tears
I know she is with me in everything I do
I hope she knows she is in my heart too
So I will go on and live everyday
Too the fullest I can because she paved the way
Because one day we will be together
And this time it will be forever
In loving Memory of my Mother
© ALL MY LIFE by Pamula Sumpter
an adoptee and member of Found and Lost Support |
| Beautiful Daughter
I looked and looked,
and did not find
The Beautiful Daughter
on my mind.
She's gone to heaven
where we'll reunite
To hold her there
must suffice.
I planned for more
it was not to be
This earthly world
she left, before me.
© Beautiful Daughter by Marilyn K. Phillips
First mother to Susan
and a member of Found and Lost Support |
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Poetry page featured seashell: Pustulate False Cowrie, Jenneria pustulata (Lightfoot, 1786)
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