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The Sea...thy name is Grief
Standing on the shore, looking out upon the sea
like sirens of old, I hear it beckoning to me
The frigid water numbs me with each new lapping wave
reminding me of my child now lying in his grave
My body feels the power, the tug of the undertow
I surrender to its pull for I know that I must go
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a wave, it knocks me down
submerged under its fluid weight I fear that I may drown
Breaking through the surface, gasping for some air
this unexpected thrashing has given me quite a scare
I fumble for my footing, I try to stand erect
but this awesome force of nature is demanding my respect
I start to gain composure, begin to feel assured
still, I've not forgotten the flogging I endured
Again another wave wells up, again I am stricken down
I try to call out for help but can not make a sound
If I can stay atop the brine this will become a memory
for each changing tide recedes back into the sea
Afloat, I drift into unconsciousness, not caring to endure
of one thing I am certain, in time there will be more
So this is where I find myself, adrift upon the sea
for I am helpless to resist the waves that summon me,
the temporary calm has afforded some relief
but it will rage again my friend, the sea...thy name is Grief.
© By Denise M. Leitch
2007
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"Adoption loss is the only trauma in the world where its victims are expected, by the whole of society, to be grateful."
The Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBE
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Understanding Adoption Loss
In adoption there is the initial grief that occurs at the time of separation...for the mother it's the loss of her child and for the adoptee it's the loss of his/her mother and biological family.
The grief of a woman who has lost a child to adoption is unique and differs in fundamental ways from other grief. Bonding is a physiological and biological process that begins in the womb therefore mother and child have already bonded by the time the child is born causing both mother and child to feel the effects of their separation. A woman who loses a child to adoption suffers multiple losses, for example, her loss of power, self esteem, the connection between her and her child and her connection to any possible grandchildren who may be born of her child. She loses her motherhood, all her parental rights and her God given right to raise her child. A mother's loss is further compounded by the public perception that since she "chose" to put her baby up for adoption she must have a certain amount of comfort with her decision. Therefore her loss isn't perceived as real, profound or valid. However, she most likely felt that adoption was her only viable option, therefore, negating any real choice on her part.
Since her child is not dead she is not expected to mourn, in addition her pregnancy was shrouded in secrecy and silence. No one talked about the pregnancy, the birth, the baby or its adoption, therefore her loss isn't recognized or even known by most of the people around her. This veil of secrecy makes it impossible for her to progress through the five stages of grief; to cope with her loss, most women, will go into denial. She is told that her feelings of loss will diminish, however they don't for the effects of her loss are profound and long lasting. In fact the opposite is true; the mother's inability to grieve causes her grief and anger to actually increase rather than decrease. Even when the mother is reunited with her lost child her grief doesn't go away. Reunion makes her more aware of what she has lost and will never be able to recapture. Suddenly she is face to face with her adult child and the unavoidable reality that she has missed his or her entire childhood can be overwhelming. However, the mother who has no chance of reuniting because she has found her child deceased suffers a double loss. She must work through the grief of her initial loss; then work through the loss of her child to death. Many times these two losses become apparent to her simultaneously, therefore forcing her to deal with them at the same time. She is suddenly faced with all she has missed, in addition to knowing she has no future possibilities for a relationship with her lost child. It leaves her with a devastating feeling of hopelessness.
The adopted child also suffers from grief and loss, which is complicated by the fact they are made to feel that being adopted was a saving grace, therefore they should be grateful for being separated from their biological family. Most adoptees suffer from a loss of identity, of self. They are conflicted between being saved from an uncertain future with their natural mothers and growing up in the safe environment of their adoptive families forsaking all biological ties. This conflict can be difficult for them to process. Their lack of a true identity can manifest itself in anxiety, fear of abandonment, rootlessness, insecurity, a poor self-image and difficulties in maintaining lasting relationships. In addition, they have no conscious memory of their mothers so their grief has no concrete focus, yet they carry with them a sense of having lost a very important link to themselves, in addition to life long feelings of abandonment. When an adoptee finds a grave they are faced with the possibility of never being able to find their roots. They have their initial loss to deal with, in addition to the possibility of never feeling connected or complete. Many times when they contact next of kin they find that their moms never told anyone about their birth and they are met with skepticism; they are strangers to their own biological family.
For both the mother and child one thing that has proven helpful in their healing is to meet others who have had similar experiences, exchanging stories and finding validation for their feelings, along with counseling and support groups, in addition to finding their lost loved ones and establishing a relationship with them. Unfortunately for us, the bereaved searcher, the last suggestion is not an option, therefore our road will differ from others who are dealing with adoption loss. However, when possible, it is helpful for us to find people who knew our lost loved ones. If the adoptive parents are willing, mothers can establish a relationship with them to learn about their lost children. We can get pictures, hear stories and contact old friends which helps us feel as if we know our lost children. For the adoptee, a spouse or half-sibling could provide them with information, pictures and stories about their first mothers. The bereaved searcher is left with the energy that would normally have been directed into our reunion; the task at hand is to find another direction for us to focus that energy. For each of us the direction will differ, for some learning about their lost loved ones will suffice, others, in addition, become activists or help those still searching by becoming a "search angel," while some redirect their focus into their careers or concentrate on building their own biological families, however it doesn't matter, the bottom line is, to heal we must go through the process of grieving by finding an outlet to facilitate our own way towards acceptance.
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Grief is a complicated, individual, and personal process that cannot be generalized. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is different for each person. In many cases I make references to mothers, adoptees and those who have suffered a great loss in general terms for the purpose of expediency. Again, grieving is an individual process, each person is different, the following prose is written as a guide, not everything stated will apply to everyone.
There are five stages of grief: Denial/Shock, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. A person MUST go through the five stages to be well again, to heal. Not everyone goes through the stages at the same time. You cannot force a person through any of the stages; they have to go at their own pace. If they become stuck in one or another stage, the process of grieving is not complete. Thus, there will be no healing. They may go one step forward then take two steps back, but this is all part of the process and individual to each person. Again, ALL five stages must be completed for healing to occur.
My personal experience with grief has been eye opening. I realize that grief isn't simply a mental condition; it is a profound sadness, which affected me both physically and emotionally. Since I never really grieved before I didn't know what to expect and I was surprised when I found myself unable to function. I now realize my inability to do simple chores, or to get dressed, was not laziness nor a sign of a weak mind; this is how my grief effected me physically. It was as if my brain had a short; the neurons in my brain were not making the proper connections and as hard as I tried I could not make a connection occur by my will.
To me, grief is like the ocean...it’s vast, powerful and could be all consuming; sometimes it will manifest itself as calm and at other times it’s stormy. Like a powerful wave, grief washes over us, it can engulf us, knock us off our feet, take our breath away and make us feel like we are drowning. We have to let the wave wash over us with the knowledge that it will eventually recede and we will again be able to regain our footing. In time we may think our grief is diminishing, but like the ocean, the tide is just going out, so the waves of grief that hit us will become less frequent and less intense. However, the tide will come in again, so be prepared. Our grief will resurface when we least expect it, it will take us by surprise, again, it will knock us down and take our breath away for this is the nature of grief.
It is normal to feel pain after a loss. However, we can't stop living nor is it healthy to shut off our feelings. We need to hold onto the hope of finding happiness again. If you find yourself unable to function, unable to do things you want to do, or need to do for you own health and survival, you need to seek professional help. There is a fine line between the normal process of grieving and becoming paralyzed by your grief. As I approached the stage of depression, I became paralyzed. I thought I could push myself out of grief's clutches myself, by my will. Every night before I went to sleep I would tell myself that tomorrow will be different, tomorrow I will get out of my pajamas, tomorrow I will leave the house...but tomorrow came and went and I remained behind making empty promises for a better day; do not let yourself wallow there. The longer you remain in a paralyzed state the harder it will be to for you to rejoin the living.
Healing doesn't mean we will forget those we love and lost. It doesn't mean we won't miss the person who is gone. It doesn't mean that we will no longer be sad about their passing. I know I will never "get over" losing my son. This type of loss is one a mother can never get over nor forget. However, I cling to the hope that some day I will be able to accept my loss and find some peace of mind.
There is no need to go through the process of grieving alone, there are many types of support groups available both online and in person; reach out, you will be surprised at how much it can help to find others who are going through the same thing. Also, by sharing our experiences we are helping others, in addition to facilitating our own growth towards acceptance by finding the good in something tragic.
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THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF
Again, grieving is a very personal experience. My intention is not to tell you how you should be grieving - no one can tell you that. Instead, my intention here is to help you identify your feelings and to show you that you are not alone.
Stage One - Denial/Shock: "This can't be happening to me!" You think there's been a mistake. You do not believe the person you love is gone. You do not accept the loss and some will not even acknowledge it.
Stage Two - Anger: "Why me?" You feel persecuted and angry towards others or yourself. You blame yourself for their death or blame the person who has died for leaving you behind to suffer.
Stage Three - Bargaining: "I promise I will.....if you will bring them back." Even for those who are not religious, you attempt to make deals with God to change the loss - begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.
Stage Four - Depression: "I just don't care anymore..." You are overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness and self-pity. You mourn over the loss of the person as well as all the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. You feel powerless and numb. You cry all the time. More serious signs of clinical depression are, in addition, you cannot function; you don't leave the house. You stay in bed all day, you don't get dressed, you experience insomnia. In addition some have feelings of suicide. If you find yourself unable to function and/or if you have thoughts of suicide, please seek professional help. A certain amount of depression is normal, not feeling up to going out and listlessness are normal feelings after suffering a great loss. However, if you find yourself unable to function you need to get help.
Stage Five - Acceptance: "They are gone but my life goes on" There is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. You realize that the person is gone (in death); that it is not your fault or their fault; they didn't leave you on purpose (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person was not in their right frame of mind). You will still have thoughts of your loved one, again this is normal but your feelings will be less intense and less frequent. You find the good that can come out of the pain of loss, discovering comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth.
Some grief experts suggest that true grieving only begins where the five stages of grief leave off. It begins when the honeymoon period is over, the friends have stopped calling, everyone thinks you should be over it and everything is supposed to be back to normal. It's at this point that real grieving begins. In my personal experience with grief I found that I felt the full weight of my grief when winter set in, when friends and family were less inclined to come pay their respects. It took me approximately seven months before I found myself unable to function, however it was a gradual decline that I didn't see clearly; meaning I didn't recognize the symptoms until they became extreme. My serious depression also coincided with the first anniversary of my son's birthday since I learned he was dead. All "firsts," like the first Christmas, Thanksgiving, the first anniversary of their birthday, the first anniversary of their death...all these firsts are very difficult and most likely will trigger your grief. Time helps but it doesn't heal all wounds; depending on your loss and how you perceive the loss, you will continue to get triggers, possibly, forever.
At this time (March 2007) it will have been nearly four years since I learned that my son Michael is no longer alive, still, I'm not out of the woods yet. There are times when I find myself crying a lot and at other times not so much. I still show signs of depression; in short I'm still grieving....sometimes I wonder if I will ever reach the final stage of acceptance. All I know for sure is I have to try for I will never get there if I don't.
Written by Denise Marconi Leitch
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Please note: I am not a professional counselor. What I've written about the process of grief are my thoughts and opinions on how grief works based on personal experience and reading I've done on the subject. In no way am I claiming to be an expert on grief or mental health, this is my opinion, combined with what some "experts" have to say on the subjects of adoption loss and grief. |
Interesting observation:
When a woman loses her husband to death, she becomes a widow; a man becomes a widower when his wife dies. When a child's parents die they become orphans. However, there is no word in the English language for parents who lose a child to death. I wonder why? My guess is people are afraid to give it a name. They don't want to think about it, talk about it or name it for fear it might happen to them. In my personal opinion it's an unnatural loss; there is no greater personal pain than the loss of a child.
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Gone From My Sight
by Henry Van Dyke
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone."
"Gone where?"
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says "There, she is gone," there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout "Here she comes!"
And that is dying.
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Understanding Grief page featured seashell: Aulicus Cone, Conus aulicus (Linneaus 1758)
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